checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
