I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
