I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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