the condom got lost in my hair
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
