I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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