It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
