I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
