im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
