man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
