Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
