The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
FUCK WHALES
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
