Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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