I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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