oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
