A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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