someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
