So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
