i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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