i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
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all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
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dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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