I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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