Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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