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• (206): View more from Washington

  I thought spray tan was a myth

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  ?

  (206): View more from Washington

  You know, something that only happens in Jersey

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• (425): View more from Washington

  You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives

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• (716): View more from New York

  He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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• (210): View more from Texas

  Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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• (845): View more from New York

  Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom

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