my phone needs a breathalizer
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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