dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
