You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
