What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
