the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
