Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
