the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
