Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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