I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
