I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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