i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
