i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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