I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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