I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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