Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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