I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
