I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
