do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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