When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You ruined the universe
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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