im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
