i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
