Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's blow job season.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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