Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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