Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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