My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
