I met the friendliest cop last night
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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