after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
