just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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