The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
