smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I wear drunk well.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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