Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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