There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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