He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
