I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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